Despite graduating with a 2:1 in Politics and International Relations from the University of Reading in July, I have spent a lonely summer in Carlisle, wondering if anyone will ever give me a job, and if my overdraft will ever disappear.
Lonely summers in Carlisle have amounted to long periods of time sat in front of my television, wondering how different my life would have been if I’d studied Accounting instead. Or how much fun I would have had if my Dad was the Managing Director of a global business and I could live my life like the basic Instagram user I know I could be #nofilter #summer #boyfriend #girlfriend #love
But alas, my financial circumstances led me to flee the south of England as soon as my student loan dried up and move to back to Carlisle. I didn’t even get to go Bali this summer. Unlike every other Facebook friend who has been tagged lavishly splashing with Elephants in this amazing local animal sanctuary.
But I did not waste the summer. I have made the definitive list of day time TV. No need to thank me. The next time you find yourself at home on a Tuesday afternoon, you will know exactly what to tune in to.
Keeping up with the Kardashians – Season 1-4
It’s important you don’t waste time watching recent episodes of KUWTK. I feel like you know the vague story of the Kardashians – 6 beautiful sisters wander the streets of Los Angeles. They all share the initials of K, constantly eat out in beautiful restaurants, and then return to their monstrous Land Rovers, and then get upset that the Paparazzi have followed them – ‘HOW DID THEY KNOW I WOULD BE HERE?’ Kim cries as she places her Venti Starbucks cool lime refresher into the cup holder of her 2015 Rolls Royce Phantom.
But the early seasons of KUWTK focus on an endearing story of a family who are trying to use their daughter’s sex tape to claim a mediocre modelling career. It’s like a really shit Californian version of TOWIE.
One of my favourite episodes is episode 9 season 2, ‘Kim’s Calendar for Reggie.’ Kim wants to surprise her boyfriend Reggie Bush with a sexy calendar. The calendar was meant for Reggie’s eyes only, so when Mom Kris makes the assumption that calendar was a business deal and sends out the calendar to every store in Calabasas – hilarity ensues. Kim and Brother Rob race around Calabasas buying up calendars in local gas stores while receiving bemused looks from store clerks. Did I mention I was lonely this summer?
Say yes to the dress – Bridesmaid Edition!
A bride brings her 37 bridesmaids to a bridal shop to find the perfect gown for all her gals for the upcoming nuptials. But unfortunately the 37 bridesmaids have completely different tastes, que 23 minutes of women fighting over fuchsia gowns. What I learnt from this show is everyone hates taffeta. Also weddings seem like an absolute nightmare.
Biggest Loser USA
This show is amazing. It’s very inspiring. The premise of the show is to tackle America’s obesity problem by inviting 20 incredibly huge contestants on to a weight loss ranch. The contestants are broken up in to teams and given personal trainers. My favourite trainer is Gillian. She scares the shit out of me. The first episode the trainers take the contestants into the gym. Obviously, the contestants are not used to being pushed hard in the gym. At least one person throws up on a treadmill whilst Gillian screams in their face ‘SO YOU’RE A QUITTER?! HUH?’ as they roll round on the floor sobbing. But around episode 10, when the contestants have lost 50lbs they have an amazing heartfelt chat with Gillian and thank her for all the shouting. It’s a beautiful show. They also have the best sob stories, legit terrible thing have happened to these poor contestants. But it’s totally fine because they lose 150lbs and get sponsorship from Subway sandwiches by the season finale. Nothing says ‘I’m fit now’ than unlimited 12 inch meatball marinara.
An incredibly poor British version of Judge Judy including the cast from Jeremy Kyle. Good Try ITV2.
Ex on the Beach
I have no idea how MTV finds human beings to appear on this show. It’s horrible. They place 10 beautiful people (the cast look like a cross between shot girls in a Magaluf night club and the kind of men that would ask you ‘to get your tits out for the lads’ when you go for a quiet drink with the girls on a Saturday afternoon in Wetherspoons.) into a house, and then every day someone’s ex enters the house. It’s bizarre. It ends up with two women screaming about Kirk Norcross’s commitment issues on a Mexican beach while a lad from Cardiff anxiously tries his luck with a glamour model who nearly got picked to go on Celebrity Big Brother.
A show about American women that are obsessed with using food coupons to buy completely useless groceries for free, it’s impressive but very silly. For example – a woman bought 133 boxes of couscous because she had a coupon. No one is ever going to use 133 boxes of couscous. It’s incredibly wasteful and basically encapsulates America’s issues with consumerism, greed and obesity. But it’s also quite entertaining for a show about coupons. The voice over is a welsh lady and it really adds to the drama of the couponing ‘Tammy has forgotten about the 241 deal on lady’s sanitary towels, will she be able to make it to the check out on time?’
Sometimes this TV show feels like a Saturday Night Live sketch. It’s about an Italian family-run bakery based in New York City. They’re Catholic and love making huge cakes. What’s not to love? (Fred Armisen would play Buddy, and Kristen Wiig would play his loud mouth sister.)