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Let’s talk about wrestling and fake butter adverts

I was watching television last week, and a pesky ad-break ensued. A cartoon advert came out of nowhere, and I was intrigued.

‘it’s mummy and daddy’s anniversary, we’re making breakfast’  giggles the cartoon boy, named Josh. Josh is probably around the age of 5. His older brother, Johnny can’t be older than 8.

Josh seems to know a lot about fake butter for a 5 year old (#justsayin) I don’t know many 5 year olds who are concerned with the health benefits of fake butter, but there you go. Josh is different to the average 5 year old.

So Josh and Johnny and their dog (un-named) tumble up the stairs, and guess what? Their selfish parents are playing ‘wrestling’- without Josh.  And apparently ‘mummy is quite good and it with daddy’. Classic Mummy. She’s such a hypocrite.  She won’t let Josh even watch it on TV. Standard Mummy behaviour. Who even is she?

I have a few issues with this particular advert, which I shall now explain,

  1. Firstly, it’s an anniversary breakfast. Fake butter on toast? That’s it? Not even eggs? I mean at least bring out the big guns for anniversary, I expect Lurpak on special occasions. But whatever.
  2. What doesn’t Johnny speak? I think Josh takes up a lot of screen time. I would like Johnny’s view on sunflower goodness.
  3. Oh yeah, and 2 SMALL BOYS WALK IN ON THEIR PARENTS HAVING SEX.
  4. And what’s the dog’s name?

The advert ends with ‘we know family life doesn’t always go right’ – yeah tell that to your counsellor Josh. Flora might do a follow on advert, 20 years on.  Josh is 25. He’s crying, his girlfriend left him because he inappropriately slathered her in fake butter and told her all the health benefits of omega 3, screaming ‘OMEGA-3 acids are VITAL for a  normal metabolism’ then wrestles her to the ground. ‘EMBRACE THE SUNFLOWER GOODNESS’ he would sob, as his girlfriend leaves.  

 

 

( you can watch the advert here )

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Twerk Blanket

Tomorrow I head back to University. From the age of around 5, I have been notorious for 2 things: wearing odd socks, and leaving everything to last minute.

When I say notorious, I don’t mean there’s a file in MI5 ‘HANNAH BIRT NOTORIOUS SOCK MIXER UPPER’ what I mean is parents, family members, friend’s parent’s, old lady bystanders are like ‘are you wearing odd socks?’ and I say something like ‘yeah, what of it? Do we live in a society which is so rigid that we can only wear matching socks? My right sock is so sick of my left sock’s constant shit, right sock hates wearing black, and left sock only wears black, the left is mourning the right.’ I never say that, because it does not make sense, but I wish I did. It would annoy people. I usually do an awkward chuckle, smile and say ‘whaaaaatammmmiiiiiiLiiiikkeeeee??’ as if I’m stuck in a 90’s sitcom about a girl who only wears odd socks, fighting the fashion oppression pressed upon her by her straight talking same sock wearing parents.

Yeah so anyway, I was trying to pack. I got to my final drawer. You’ll never bloody guess what was in the drawer? It was only a Hannah Montana Fleecy blanket! (I’m still doing sit-com voice, I’ll stop now)

Around 2006, my youngest sister had a crazy Hannah Montana phase. We had a hair brush that sang ‘nobody’s perfect’               (– catchy as fuck – you can listen to it here.) We had a dance mat as well. My friend Ryan fed the dance mat bread-sticks and vodka on my 17th Birthday (here)

Last year if I’d brought my sister’s Hannah Montana fleecy blanket to uni everyone would have said ‘is that Hannah Montana? That is so 2006. What were you thinking?’ and then they would have pulled a bitchy face, and probably laughed behind my back.

However, this year, the blanket has a whole new meaning.

This blanket represents the sexualisation of the early noughtie’s Disney star, the nadir of innocence, the microcosm of a generation which is lost to sex, drugs and skeletons made out of chips. But worst of all, this blanket represents twerking.

I don’t want to talk about twerking. Because I’m not at a strip club, and I do not wish to admit that I have a ‘big butt’.

What I’m trying to get across is; a lot can change in 12 months. Embrace it. Or Become Miley Cyrus. Either way, your life will drastically change.

 *********************************************************************************************************

I never explained the second thing I’m notorious for: leaving things to last minute. Well basically, I’ve written a 500 word blog entry about a blanket instead of packing. *WHAAAATTTAMMMMIIIIIIILLLLLIIIKKKKEEEEEE*

 

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I’ve just had to put my Spotify in ‘private session’ to listen to Taylor Swift, so people don’t judge me on Facebook and now I’m so ashamed of myself, I’m writing a blog about it

I have a reputation to uphold, before you judge me. People always compliment me on my music taste. People say things like ‘Hannah, oh my god, you’re music taste is the best, I love listening to your playlists, you are so cool’ and I’m like, Yeah I know. People have genuinely stopped me on public transport to compliment my music tastes. (#livingthedream)

Then I got Spotify. And Spotify asked me to sign up with Facebook. Spotify said it would be easier this way. Spotify said I could join my friends, and connect with them through music. And I said ok Spotify, I’ll play your games, I just want to listen to free music.

Then one day, I got a notification from an old school friend who had commented on my ‘recently listened on Spotify’ playlist:

‘hahaha Hannah, didn’t realise you were a 1D fan’

I hastily made a joke about one direction, made an excuse like ‘hahahhahaha no was my sister lol lol not me. Don’t worry hahah lol yeah hahhahaha’

‘Well’, I thought. I think the album track ‘I would’ on One Direction’s second Studio Album ‘Take Me Home’ is a catchy and uplifting song about a teenage boy loving a girl at school more than her current boyfriend who apparently has ’27 tattoos’. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? Harry Styles solo is perfection and heartbreaking at the same time. But, I remembered my music reputation, and I thought, I would keep these feelings to myself.

So that brought me to today. Today I remembered how much I love Taylor swift’s album ‘Fearless’ I love it. ‘You belong with me’ was the song that represented my 15 year old self . ‘SHE DOESN’T GET YOUR HUMOUR LIKE I DO’ I would cry in to my pillow at night. So many great memories.

I was like, do you know what? I want to listen to that album today. I want to just sing about boys who ride white horses and that are called Stephen, who are you to judge? So I put my playlist on ‘private session’.

I’m so disgusted at myself. I’ve became a music snob, I’ve gone too far, what if I become one of those  people who say something like ‘wait for the drop’ in a dubstep song. Which, incidentally, something I don’t want to be.

So I wrote a blog about it. I feel better about myself. It’s fine that I like Taylor. I just wish Spotify wouldn’t tell Facebook about it.

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Things that confused me at DisneyLand

 

I went to DisneyLand Paris last week. As a rollercoaster enthusiast and someone who enjoys the odd parade and a French Buzz Lightyear, DisneyLand Paris was the place to be. But there was some things that confused me about the experience, here they are;

  1. Why do children cry at Disneyland?

I will never understand this. What the fuck are you upset about? YOU ARE IN THE MAGIC FUCKING KINGDOM. Guess what babe? Life is downhill from here.  Never again will you be able to dress up as ‘Belle’ from beauty in the Beast, and people saw ‘awww’. In fact the next time you dress up as Belle at Halloween,  in  approximately 10 years’ time,  boys will come up to you and say ‘hey belle, do you wanna see my beast?’ or ‘hey belle, be my guest… in the bedroom LOL’ and you will probably feel violated, or enjoy it, because you’re a slut, either way, the future isn’t looking bright for that Belle costume.  

2.  Why is everything in the gift shop ’20 fuckin’ euros’?

This was my dad’s favourite saying, ‘see that keyring? Hannah?’ yeah, I see it dad ’20 fuckin Euros’ it became a fun game throughout the day, to find ridiculous objects that were ’20 fuckin euros’ My favourite was a plastic 3ft bottle which contained popcorn. Which was 20 fuckin Euros. Why would you want a 3ft container of popcorn? I can’t fathom a useful explanation for the creation of 3ft container of popcorn.

3. Why do parents buy small children princess makeovers?

It’s called ‘Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique’ and girls as young as 3 can have a princess makeover. This includes ‘Shimmering make-up, face gem’ makeover. You can teach your daughter that her prince charming will only appear when she drastically changes her wardrobe choices, and her face sparkles like Tinkerbell on crack. Prices start from $40.

 

 

The light parade was fucking awesome though.

 

 

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