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There is one piece of knowledge that in my life and throughout humanity will remain true and everlasting.

I don’t know much about this world. There is nothing that I, Hannah Birt, am willing to vouch as fact… apart from this one piece of knowledge.

Since the dawn of time, there has been one constant truth that man and woman have agreed on.

THE BEST SAUSAGE ROLLS ARE FROM GREGGS THE BAKERS.

YOU WILL NEVER EAT A BETTER SAUSAGE ROLL IN ALL YOUR LIFE.

IT IS A TRUE FACT.

DO NOT DENY YOURSELF FROM THIS LIVING MASTERPIECE THAT HAS TAKEN FORM IN A PASTRY AND SAUSAGE MEAT BASED SNACK.

You may carry on with your evening. I hope I have imparted some crucial knowledge on to your mundane life existence.

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Abercrombie and Fitch, why none of us should give a fuck

Last week some guy (Mike Jeffries) who owns A&F said he didn’t want fatties wearing his brand of clothing. He was like “urgh no way, I don’t want your fat being squeezed into my skinny clothes, there’s some bin bags over there, try them on for size” (he didn’t say that, but I reckon that’s what he was thinking)

Ok, well in my head all I can think is, I bet this guy is a Slytherin. I bet he loves Voldemort. (My next thought is, I bet he doesn’t even read Harry Potter… what a cock)

At this point, I should perhaps admit something. There is no way I’d fit in to an Ambercrombie and Fitch Tshirt. I doubt one of my thighs would squeeze in to a pair of their shorts, there is no thigh gap between my legs, in fact for all fashion cared my legs could just be one big thigh (so I guess a bit like a mermaid? Ariel was giving no fucks when it came to thigh gaps). So maybe I’m taking this all a bit personally?

But who told the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch that I gave a fuck?

Why did he assume that we (fatties) would be crying over an XS tshirt in the changing rooms because some areshole who has a lot of money (and probably doesn’t read Harry Potter) told a bunch of fat teenagers he’s glad we can’t fit in to his overpriced apparel.

Because even if I was a size 4, I’m not a cool kid, I don’t fit in with his desired brand.

For example, I’m writing a blog at 3pm. Not at the beach chasing a boy and trapping him between my thigh gap.

I have a massive poster of Dobby the house elf on my wall. Not a half-naked guy beckoning my low self-esteem with his oily abs.

The next point I would like to make, is Mike Jeffries is losing a lot of business. In 2007, 74.1% of America’s population was overweight. If anything he should ditch this, and start an overweight range, like bibs so that we can catch every morsel of food that we can fit in to our fat bodies. But I guess he didn’t think of that. Now every Mcdonalds in America, will have a wanted poster for “crimes against fatties”.

So to conclude, Mike if you’re reading this, I don’t give much of a fuck. I will never buy your clothes (mainly because they don’t fit and also because you are a voldemort lover) and I hope the image my body in a size 4 t-shirt gives you nightmares.

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Kate Middleton loves flowers.

Kate Middleton Is literally the best British thing ever. She comes second to Harry Potter. Or maybe third to Harry Potter and The beatles. Or maybe fourth to Harry Potter, the Beatles, and the 2012 London Olympics. BUT, either way, she’s probably in the top 10 British Exports. Probably. 

Why is she in the top 10? Well Because, she’s a Duchess, Because her hair is amazing, because she looks impeccable in literally everything, she’s rocking the whole pregnancy thing, and in general just seems to be a wonderful human being. 

So no wonder, when British people meet K-Mids they want to express their feelings of gratitude upon her. Do they give her money? No, K-mids doesn’t need money. Do they give her gifts? No, technically K-Mids can’t accept Free commercial stuff. 

No, the British public give the Duchess of Cambridge Flowers. Which is nice, a lovely gesture. But she must be bored of the constant flowers? 

I reckon this is what Kate Middleton is thinking as she receives said flowers. 

 

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Cute little girl, nice flowers. I’m a duchess. Life is sweet. 

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Aw, you guys! Flowers? You shouldn’t have. 

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Yep. Flowers again. Thanks. I’ll put these in a vase when I get back. I can probably find room, Because I am a duchess… and I live in a freaking Palace (yeah, K-mids sometimes sounds like she’s in a american teen movie. Deal with it) 

From one princess to another. Cute outfit. I also love the flowers. Just what I needed. 

 

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A PUPPY? YESSSSSSSSSSSS. WINNING. I’m a Duchess. Life is SUPER AWESOME. 

 

 

(all pictures sources from google images)

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A rant I have entitled ‘Some problems I encountered with some articles concerning women, social media and dating’

Recently, I’ve read some really crap pieces of writing. It’s like every blog, magazine, newspaper, has said to their female staff “can you gals write up a piece about dating online, and how hard it is for women nowadays? Ok thanks gals” (in my mind this voice is a man, and he says ‘gals’ a lot) The problem is, there is not a problem. Believe it or not, women sometimes use the internet to keep updated on current news, follow their friends’ updates and sometimes they even use the internet to share some ideas, and not look for future long term boyfriends (can you imagine?!)

So let me deconstruct the Article,

The article will begin with something like this:

 “I recently came out of a long term relationship, and hey, what’s up with this dating on social media thing? Hey when did this happen?”

When did this happen? Right, well, It happened between 1999 and the present day. I assume it began with E-mail and then slowly evolved to things like MSN messenger and then “THE Facebook” and this new thing called “Twitter”. Argh, it’s all so complicated.

The next piece of the article probably went like this:

“Hey, I mean, why can we just meet a potential lover in a book shop, when we both reached out for the last copy of ‘Wuthering Heights’, Am I right ladies?”

Here’s why, because ultimately, from now on, we’re only ever going to buy books from Amazon. Yeah it’s very sad; yes it’s such a shame about book shops, yes I know they don’t pay their taxes. But am I going to £9.99 for Wuthering Heights plus petrol (or just plain effort) or am I going to pay £2.99 plus free shipping. Also, why have you not read Wuthering Heights already? And writers (or just generally people) may you never ever, use the phrase “Am I right?” no you’re not right, you’re not right because you have used the expression “Am I right?” and for that reason you are wrong. I also imagine you saying “Am I right ladies” as if you’re starring in a Tampon Advert (“Is that time of the month again? Am I right ladies?” * winks at camera in a playful and patronising manner*)

 “Why does no one use their phone to call anyone these days? Texting is so impersonal”

Maybe because no one likes to talk to anyone ever.  Also, because my phone contract is unlimited texts and only 100 minutes, so it’s really more convenient if I text than if I call. So I assume that is why.

“I am so confused, a guy started texting me, and I put ‘x’ at the end of my text, and he didn’t? What’s up with that?”

I wish I never started reading this piece of writing. That is what is up with this.

And finally ends with

“So gals, what I’m trying to say is, dating on social media is hard, I mean, does my crush like me because favourite(d) my tweet with the cute cat sneezing? Does my crush like the ‘Amaro’ setting of Instagram more than the ‘1977’ ? We’ll never know, but how about next time you’re in a book shop, just smiling at that cute guy reading ‘pride and prejudice’?”

Oh fuck off.

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