Recently, I’ve read some really crap pieces of writing. It’s like every blog, magazine, newspaper, has said to their female staff “can you gals write up a piece about dating online, and how hard it is for women nowadays? Ok thanks gals” (in my mind this voice is a man, and he says ‘gals’ a lot) The problem is, there is not a problem. Believe it or not, women sometimes use the internet to keep updated on current news, follow their friends’ updates and sometimes they even use the internet to share some ideas, and not look for future long term boyfriends (can you imagine?!)
So let me deconstruct the Article,
The article will begin with something like this:
“I recently came out of a long term relationship, and hey, what’s up with this dating on social media thing? Hey when did this happen?”
When did this happen? Right, well, It happened between 1999 and the present day. I assume it began with E-mail and then slowly evolved to things like MSN messenger and then “THE Facebook” and this new thing called “Twitter”. Argh, it’s all so complicated.
The next piece of the article probably went like this:
“Hey, I mean, why can we just meet a potential lover in a book shop, when we both reached out for the last copy of ‘Wuthering Heights’, Am I right ladies?”
Here’s why, because ultimately, from now on, we’re only ever going to buy books from Amazon. Yeah it’s very sad; yes it’s such a shame about book shops, yes I know they don’t pay their taxes. But am I going to £9.99 for Wuthering Heights plus petrol (or just plain effort) or am I going to pay £2.99 plus free shipping. Also, why have you not read Wuthering Heights already? And writers (or just generally people) may you never ever, use the phrase “Am I right?” no you’re not right, you’re not right because you have used the expression “Am I right?” and for that reason you are wrong. I also imagine you saying “Am I right ladies” as if you’re starring in a Tampon Advert (“Is that time of the month again? Am I right ladies?” * winks at camera in a playful and patronising manner*)
“Why does no one use their phone to call anyone these days? Texting is so impersonal”
Maybe because no one likes to talk to anyone ever. Also, because my phone contract is unlimited texts and only 100 minutes, so it’s really more convenient if I text than if I call. So I assume that is why.
“I am so confused, a guy started texting me, and I put ‘x’ at the end of my text, and he didn’t? What’s up with that?”
I wish I never started reading this piece of writing. That is what is up with this.
And finally ends with
“So gals, what I’m trying to say is, dating on social media is hard, I mean, does my crush like me because favourite(d) my tweet with the cute cat sneezing? Does my crush like the ‘Amaro’ setting of Instagram more than the ‘1977’ ? We’ll never know, but how about next time you’re in a book shop, just smiling at that cute guy reading ‘pride and prejudice’?”
Oh fuck off.