Summer is officially over (probably). In fact I live in England, so technically summer never really began. However that is not the point. I am ecstatic summer is over. summer is crap. And you know it, but you just don’t want to admit to yourself. Summer is crap for a number of reasons, and I will happily explain why.
1. I live in the North England – For about 2 weeks around mid-May it was what we described as “hot” – translation “It was just about warm enough for us to remove our woolly hats for more than 5 minutes and quickly down a jug of pims outside”
2. PIMS – WHY DO WE NEED A DRINK THAT INCLUDES CUCUMBER?! WHY? WHY DO WE NEED THAT?!
3. Inappropriate amount of skin. I think I could deal with the amount of skin shown on a reasonably warm day if I lived in California. But I don’t (see point 1). So therefore, when I’m walking around my home town on a reasonably warm day, I don’t want to see an overweight man of perhaps 47, naked from the waist up. No one wants to see that. Not even you, 47 year old man. I think it’s best if you keep that amount flesh to yourself, in confined spaces. And that Tattoo of a naked woman on your torso… it’s not ideal either. I’m not Gok Wan either, I don’t think that everyone is actually good looking naked, and we should embrace our body image… You have embraced too much.
4. I will never tan. It’s a fact of life, I’m very pale, and I will never have that sun kissed golden tan. I have faced up to that. I therefore have to hit the bottle… the fake tan bottle. So this next point is all about my hatred of fake tan. I don’t think I’ve ever had a fake tan that has been streak free; that has not smeared or smudged, that hasn’t ran off in the pouring rain, that hasn’t smelt like some strange moulding biscuits, that hasn’t rubbed off all over my bed sheets. But it’s summer, and there is some unwritten rule, that I need to have a tan, fake or not. I’m never wearing fake tan again, too much trouble.
5. I love Christmas. Christmas is great, what is not to love? Anything goes at Christmas. Should I open that second tin of Quality Street? Yes. Christmas comes but once a year! Do you think that I should spend boxing day watching back to back harry Potter Special features from all 8 films? Obviously. And also, you should celebrate the birth of baby Jesus (if you want. And if you’re religious)
6. This point isn’t valid for everyone, but maybe for babysitters/parents/older sisters/brothers/ grandparents/ child care assistants/teachers. The threat of Santa. “oh that’s fine, yep, well because you called me a ‘big fat poo head’ I better ring santa, yeah that’s right. I have his number…” As my two younger sisters are too old for this threat this year, I feel a bit sad. But it was incredibly hilarious (for me) while it lasted.
7. Most people, are sometimes happy, some of the time. We’re British, we love awkward chat about the weather : “oh it’s cold today, I heard snow is coming next week”. I was a part time sales assistant for 2 years, this rumour would bring out the best in customers. I don’t know why, but people love the rumour of snow, even if it’s just to moan about.